Letting Go of Fear

Following Through On Last Week’s Blog

Water has always helped me feel at peace.  In particular, aquariums.  Watching fish gracefully swim by makes me feel like I can let go of any worries, stresses or fears.  If only it were as easy as observing fish in an aquarium.

Last week I shared some thoughts on letting go http://gotag.life/2019/05/15/letting-go/, in particular on letting go of hate, anger, pain fear and regret.  Inspired by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I started to think of other aspects of life outside of hate and anger that were worth letting go. I finished with three areas where I would start to make positive changes in my life regarding letting go.  

I did let go of my regret…at least a little.  I wrote my old friend a note and now I am waiting to hear back. 

• 

• 

I worked on letting go of my pain.  When I was running up Wachusett Mountain, the burn was real, but I used my mantra of, “I believe,” the gaming chant.  It doesn’t work 100% of the time, but I was able to slip into a subconscious state that made it easier to keep moving.  Well, the mantra and Notorious B.I.G.’s Hypnotize.  It came on in the car on the way to the mountain and would just slip into my thoughts as I was pounding out the run.  It’s a solid beat, right?!?

The last thing I said I would “let go” was fear.  When I wrote that I was going to let go of fear, I didn’t know exactly what I was afraid of.   All I knew was that it was holding me back in one form or another. 

I’m sure these fears are a natural defense.  At some point we get burned physically, emotionally, or psychologically, and because we don’t want to hurt again, we keep ourselves from being put in a similar position.  

This hurt, this pain, is different from the pain of heartache or the pain of working out because no part of it was asked for in the first place. Love and strength we seek out, knowing that heartache and pain are possible results.  We don’t seek to be bullied, judged, abused or attacked. And, the explanation for these is unknown.  We can only guess at why someone would do something like that or why us.  To keep from feeling the pain again, we protect ourselves from what we think the causes were.  It doesn’t matter that to others looking in, we are being illogical or irrational.  It doesn’t matter that it is a one in a million chance that we’ll be hurt again.  The fear of getting hurt keeps us closed up.

Not really knowing what it was that I was afraid of, I wrote a line, “I am afraid of…” and started a list. 

I am afraid of….

-dying and death

-loosing control

-failing

-letting those I care about down

-getting out of shape

-not being accepted

-being judged by my failures instead of my successes

-being superficially judged

I am sure that there are more I could put down if I gave myself unlimited time, and maybe I’ll add to this list later.  For now, it will suffice. 

Now, addressing why I am afraid of these things and what I can do about them. 

Dying I think this might be a popular one.  Death is always around the corner.  This is a fact.  However, living as if you or someone close to you might die at any moment is paralyzing.  I think I am afraid to die because I enjoy living so much and I don’t want to lose those close to me.  However,  keeping myself and them in a bubble won’t make the fear go away.  

Dealing with the inevitable nature of death is a hard one, but acceptance is the key to moving forward and keeping death off of your fear list.  When I was in the Navy, I made it a point to think about dying on a monthly basis.  Morose, right?  Your chances of dying while serving are higher than the general population, but still low, overall. Even still,  preparing myself for the possibility of death made it less likely I would freak out when the going got tough.  I saw it as a survival tactic.  I didn’t stop living, I just spent a little time preparing.  Over the years, I have stopped doing this, but I think I should pick it up again.  

Regardless of your beliefs, death is unknown.  So, when I “prepare” I accept that it is unknown and there is nothing I can do about it. 

Living for today is another lifestyle choice that helps with letting go of the fear of death.  I’m not talking about skydiving and diving with sharks.  I am talking about living in the moment.  Spending time interacting with those around you while you can.  Saying how you really feel. Enjoying the world you live in.  This ties into one of those other “let go” feelings, regret.  The less you have on your “regret” list, the less you will fear dying.  I think my problem isn’t so much that I am not living for today, but that I am not taking the time to savor the moments or reflect on them.  

Loosing Control  This one I feel is pretty low on the list, but I wrote it down so maybe my subconscious is speaking.  

You have your routine set up.  You have a way of doing things.  You know they will get done and get done right.  Then, someone walks in and wants it their way or something happens to throw a wrench in your plans.  Or, bless their hearts, they want to help. 

I feel like I have put a lot of time and consideration into most things that I do, from how I plant a flower to doing dishes to driving.  It is sometimes hard for me to allow someone else to step in and do it in a way that may not be up to (my) par .  Because of that thought, I forget that sometimes the other person might have a better way of doing it.  Or in the case of little ones, they need an opportunity to try so they can become better. It’s hard to do.  I know I can do it.  I just have to remind myself that there are lessons and learners everywhere and not everything has to be perfect all the time. AND my way is not always this best way.

Failing and letting those I care about down This one I am not so sure about the source, so it might be harder to let go.  Maybe it’s because I have seen how other people in my life have been a source of pride for family and loved ones and I feel I can and should do that, too. But still, I have a supportive network.  I know that they would love me no matter what.  I am super lucky.  So, I find it odd that this would be on my list. 

After writing these two fears down, I know that for me they are intertwined.  I think I am mostly cool with failing.  I don’t like to fail, but there are lessons in failing, so I am okay with it.  What I am afraid of is how my shortcomings may make those I care about feel.  To think that I disappointed or let anyone down…I don’t want anyone else to hurt as a result of something I did.   

Let’s just say that I did disappoint a loved one (which I usually don’t— they are very supportive), why shouldn’t I be okay with letting them get over it.  Especially, if I didn’t intend to hurt anyone and I did all that I could to be successful. Shouldn’t it be okay to just let them be disappointed?  Heck yeah!  Because you can’t control how other people are going to feel. If you did your best and someone is disappointed, either you didn’t really do your best or they are being jerks. 

As corny and cliche as it sounds, if you do your best, that should be enough.  It shouldn’t matter what others think.  ESPECIALLY if they are on the sidelines.  Remember the man in the arena.  I need to remember the man in the arena.  

Getting out of shape I think this one is connected to the next three, too, but being “in shape” is more than looks.  I appreciate being strong.  I think it goes hand in hand with independence.  In addition, I feel being strong is also being healthy.  Getting out of shape means I have lost all the work I have put into my physical shape over my teenage and adult years.  How many hours would that be?  To get to the point where I would practically be starting from scratch again…I think, what a waste!

Here’s the thing though, I did get out of shape during both of my pregnancies.  I had bleeding early on during both, so I scaled back.  I still used the elliptical and recumbent bike, but that was it.  When I started my regimen again, it was like I was back to square one.  It sucks coming back from that.  When I think about my physical shape now, I sometimes forget I have had highs and lows.  I forget that sometimes other aspects of life need to take over, and when it is time again, I can focus on being a strong person again.  

In the grand scheme of things, being “in shape” is a top five priority.  Without our health, most other things (family, work, hobbies, etc.) will suffer.  However, it is necessary to let it move in and out of places one through five for sanity’s sake.  I need to remember that I can always regain my strength after a lapse. The hard work shouldn’t be a big deal, it’s rewarding even.  As long as I appreciate the value of being strong, getting out of shape shouldn’t be something I fear.

Not being accepted, being judged by my failures instead of my successes,  and being superficially judged  For me, these three are definitely related.   I think that this is a big fear for me because it comes up so often and because of how I treat certain situations. I am better than I used to be, but there have been times that when interacting with a new group, I start to justify some of the actions of the others in the group without real cause. For example, if I am not invited to go to lunch, I assume it is because of something that I did or didn’t do, not because I wasn’t in the room when it was discussed and they forgot to check in with me later.  I would automatically assume that there was something about me that caused me not to be included.  

It’s not a totally irrational thought, to think that you are not included because of something about you.  It could be something that you did (or didn’t) do.  It could be how you look or who you are. It could be where you are from.  

I think that when a person starts to guess at what those things might be and change themselves to improve their chances of being accepted is when things take a turn for the worse.  Changing yourself for the better isn’t a bad thing.  It’s when you change yourself to better fit other people’s standards and not necessarily your own that you are heading down a bad path.  

The only way I can let go of this fear is to identify my support system and remember that they have my back.  I need to remember that not all people are going to like me and that is okay.  If they don’t like me, spending time trying to force it won’t be worth it. People will judge me no matter what. I can’t control others and their thoughts, but what I can control my actions and how I behave.  The best thing I can do is to act as a good human being, a good friend and good family member. 

Or, I could get a fish tank and cross my fingers;-)

I did my part. How about you?  What did you let go of or what do you want to let go of.  Feel free to share below.  Thank you in advance!