Too Much Advice

This past weekend I listened to a Joe Rogan Podcast with Jonathan Haidt.  A great podcast which I would totally recommend.   I also watched a little bit of Big Little Lies, a wonderful show.  Then, I reflected on my last week’s blog with advice to my sons.  It all came together in a little epiphany. 

In last week’s blog, I wrote about how the Boston Marathon brings out the best in most people, but beware, one person’s triumph or failure can somehow bring out the worst in others.  On that note, I shared some thoughts that I have tried to (or will try to) pass onto my boys in the hopes that they will be the type to share in other’s achievements, be a good companion and be good to themselves.  

If you haven’t seen it, Big Little Lies is a series on HBO that is about to enter its second season.  It is based on the book of the same name by Liane Moriarity.  I had heard that the series was good, and I had also heard little bits here and there about the turmoil within each of the character’s lives.  What I hadn’t heard was that it starts with a murder.  How did I miss that??  Hats off to all those involved.  I love it when you have just watched the first half of an episode and you are hooked.  Way to keep the intrigue ramped up team BLL!  

So far, I am loving the show.  Each of the women shown is unique and mysterious in their own way.  The character who stood out the most for me was Reese Witherspoon’s, Madeline Mackenzie.  I could see her in so many moms I know and also how I see myself sometimes.  Especially with how she tended to be in a constant state of trying to help her daughters and the people around her, totally well intended, but perhaps a bit too much.    

Jonathan Haidt.  If you haven’t already heard of him and his book, The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, or The Coddling of the American Mind (with Gregg Lukianoff), or perhaps the Happiness Hypothesis, perhaps you have seen him on YouTube or a TED talk.  Even if you haven’t, he has a few very interesting ideas worth taking a look at.  He has evidence to back up what he is saying and even better, he acknowledges when he doesn’t have enough evidence to back something up (or at least he did that on Joe Rogan’s show).  

One of Mr. Haidt’s conclusions is that hyper-control of a child or young adult’s world cause more harm than good. This makes so much sense to me.  Keeping children in a bubble so as to keep them from harm is well intended, but what can a parent do when the child leaves the home for good?  

While the topics seem unrelated, I think my advice to my sons, Madeline Mackenzie and Jonathan Haidt draw well together with this conclusion: too much advice can be as harmful as too little.  

For one, after a certain amount of advice/teaching/talking to, kids shut down.  You can only be offered so much advice before it is too much to handle. After about a minute, one of my sons will start to glaze over (I know he is thinking about a game he would rather be playing) and the other son starts to walk around and/or fidget.  Or in the case of Madeline, her daughter Abigail gives a wise-crack about her mother’s wisdom.  Whatever the deflection or coping mechanism, it’s clear kids get fed up with being told what they don’t know, all the time.  If we keep advising (which can also be interpreted as critiquing), they may shut down altogether, or even try to escape.

As parents, our intentions are good.  We want our children to be happy.  We want them to be successful.  We want them to be smart.  So we try to tell them how.  Sometimes, we try to shape their environment by setting up playdates, control what they watch, where they go and who they talk to.  We go to school committee and town meetings to help bring about changes that will keep everyone happy and safe all the time.  We mean well. We just want the best for them. These are all good things, right?  To a point.

Our efforts to control the outcome of their behavior by giving endless advice or to control their environment will occasionally work out, but we can’t predict or control every outcome .   It’s madness to think that every variable can be accounted for.  We can’t tell them everything.  Even if we could, they won’t hear everything.  Our best bet is to tell them the essentials and to teach them how to cope and persevere.

Also, and more importantly, maybe part of the reason they can take only so much advice is not because of their attention span, or because they are sick of being told what to do, but because they know they need to try it on their own.  It may be a subconscious or conscious acknowledgement, but they know they need to try things for themselves and see what will happen.  

I know I have to let my boys feel sadness just as much as happiness, despair as much joy, pain as much as pleasure ,even though it will hurt to see them go through it.  It will hurt, but with their support system (me, my husband, friends, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) and coping mechanisms, they can get through their obstacles.  When we are no longer around we will know that they will be strong enough to get through the worst of their down times. 

This blog was just as much for me as it was for anyone else, and I know I will be back to read it over to remind myself of what’s important.  It’s hard to let go and let your little ones, (no matter how big), to do things on their own.  If you find truth in it, I am glad to have helped.  If not, happy to hear why.

What do you think are the “essential” pieces of advice?  If there was a top 3 list of essential pieces of advice to carry someone throughout life, what would they be? 

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