The Boston Marathon, Achieving, Growing and Being the Best Version of Yourself

Thoughts from a mother to her sons

There is nothing like the big show.  Whether it be a high school performance of Les Miserables, the Super Bowl or a graduation ceremony, the weeks, months or even years of blood, sweat and tears all pay off at this culminating event.  You don’t even have to be a participant in the event to reap the rewards.  In fact, observers make it that much better.  

Living just outside Boston, I can say that the Boston Marathon is a fantastic example of this idea.  It is surprising to hear how many in the area go to the marathon to cheer participants on and of those who don’t go, how many of them watch it on tv. Everyone delights in the energy and excitement that the race brings to the entrants and the crowds. I feel lucky that we can go down to the course and my boys can see the runners and wheelchair racers who have put in so much work to prepare, as well as the crowds cheering them on for no other reasonsthan they appreciate the preparation needed to wear those bibs and they want to be a part of the excitement.

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I follow a couple of runners on instagram and many of them have posted their updates following the race.  Nearly all loved the atmosphere and excitement around the race. Some were happy with their results, some where not.  Some were positive, and some were critical.  No doubt, trollers will come and put in their own two-cents as well. 

Reading their posts got me to thinking.  They had done so much getting ready for this race.  No matter what, their completion of this accomplishment should be a celebration.  I hope and pray that my boys do that in their lives.  That they don’t get caught up in certain numbers, trophies, medals or the comments of others.  That they cherish the work, the growth and accomplishment that brought them to the end.  

I try to give them these messages through my actions and words, but sometimes I know they struggle to sink in. When I share a deep thought, I’ll sometimes get the, “Mom, can you stop talking?” Or, my favorite is when I share a story with a teachable moment and one of my sons will say “Okay (smiling),” then he immediately launches into the latest game he  is so excited about.  Did he hear anything I said?  Maybe 10%.  I’ll keep plugging away of course, but just in case I am going to write some of my thoughts down here. Maybe someday they’ll read it (and if you are reading right now, I love you very much:-)).

So, in response to the Boston Marathon, I write my advice for my boys on achieving, growing and the company you keep.  

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Be careful how critique others and yourself

Every accomplishment is framed by the individual who accomplished it.  Just because an event or a person in an event doesn’t live up to your expectations, doesn’t mean that it took any less work, heart and dedication for its participants.  This could be the Boston Marathon or the local 5K. It could be an exhibit at the local library or it could be at the Museum of Fine Arts.  It could be a fixed toy or a rebuilt 1968 Ford Mustang. 

The person who offers unsolicited critique only brings a spotlight on themselves, showcasing their insecurities.  The person who says “they should have tried harder, “ wishes they had tried harder in their own lives.  The person who says “ that’s not such a big deal,” only wishes they had accomplished a goal of their own.  The person who instead of critiquing lists their own accomplishments in comparison, wants to do what you have done, but can’t.  

Know the difference between self-criticism and self-reflection

Self criticism seems like the best motivator, but in the end you will find it’s the worst.  You can only throw negative thoughts around for so long before you start believing them.  In the beginning, they set you on fire and give you the rage you need to dig down deep.  Soon though, you find that you can only use that booster so many times before your body starts thinking, “Yep, maybe I am weak,” or, “Nope, the other person must be better.”  The truth is that most of the time those criticisms are based on subjective observations and not facts. 

If you don’t like how you are performing or how things are going,  ask yourself why and how you got to where you are.   This is self-reflection and much preferred over critiquing.  Maybe you don’t really want to be doing what you are doing.  Maybe too many things are out of your control.  Some things you can’t change.  Self criticism blames you for what you for your shortcomings, honest self reflection acknowledges it and allows you to change your attitude about it and/or your trajectory.  Always seek the reason or source first, then the solution that addresses it. 

Everyone wants to be acknowledged

Most people want to be a part of a community.  They want human contact and interaction. Some seem to be loners.  However, even these people still want to be acknowledged. The loner out there still appreciates a wave when passing them on the street.  Sometimes we mistake their introverted actions as being mean and not liking people, when it is really that they don’t know how to or may feel awkward.  It may also be that they like to be alone and that is their prerogative, but no one wants to feel ignored.  

It is not your responsibility to look after those that others have forgotten, but when able to show appreciation, especially in the form of small gestures, you should. You and the recipient will feel better as a result. 

Set mindful goals

When I taught, I used to say,  “Set goals, but don’t shoot for the stars.”  Seems limiting, right?  Well, I would follow up by saying that sometimes when we do aim for the stars we fall short and crash hard.  Be realistic.  

Most of us are capable of so much more than we think, so lofty goals are good, astronomical goals… not so much. Really, it’s all about the plan.  Want to build a flying car that can take you to Alpha Centauri?  Lofty or Astronomical?  Most definitely the later. But, adjust your goal to just a flying car for starters, and maybe it’s just a lofty goal now.  Never run more than a mile before and now you want to run Boston?  Lofty?  Yes.  Astronomical? No. It’s been done before.  Research who has and how they did it.  Get your plan in place.  

That brings up the next point.  Are your goals for you or someone else?  You may think you want to run Boston, but is it because you want to run or because you like the idea of running Boston.  You might find after the first year, you don’t like running so much.  Is it okay to ditch your goal?  Absolutely, if it is for the right reasons.  Think about all the heartache, discomfort and disappointment people put themselves through being held to some arbitrary goal written in a notebook somewhere.  Chances are, the struggle of making your goal will get harder and harder if you aren’t real with yourself and you’ll become miserable. 

I’ve also heard  people say shoot for the stars and you’ll at least hit the moon.  Well, that sounds like bad planing and a set up for disappointment to me. It’s all about the plan!

Choose friends that tell you what you need

Sometimes the choice of friendship seems arbitrary, as if you don’t play as big a part in the process, it just happens.  This is especially true when you are young.  When you do put effort into making friends, you’ll realize it’s hard, even harder as you get older- harder than dating!.  

When given the opportunity to foster some relationships over others, you need people in your life who will tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear.  They have your best interests at heart. These are people that love you and will tell you the truth. If you don’t hear the truth, you won’t know where you stand in life. 

You need people in your life that tell you when you are being stupid, a jerk, annoying and loud. They’ll tell you when your breath stinks and if that outfit makes you look fat.   You also need friends that will tell you that you are wonderful, funny, caring and ______(what you need in that very moment).  AND you need to be the same for them.  

Do not foster friendships where you are criticized, where you are not valued, or where the relationship is a competition.  Competition is good, but only as a side dish in relationships. 

As a friend, you should be all of these things for someone else.  If you can’t, you need to ask yourself why you are holding onto this relationship.  This goes for significant others, too. 

Having friends and family who value you will make you feel a success regardless of your accomplishments, your position or your income.  If your friendship relies on any of those three, they don’t really value you and frankly, you don’t need them. It is better to have three incredible friends than to have 300 so-so friends. 

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Just a few specs of wisdom from my world.   As I write and read them, it occurs to me that I should take my own advice from time to time.