Personal Space vs The Need For Human Contact

Everyone needs a hug every once in a while, right? 

Well, maybe not.  Or at least not from certain people. That’s how it would seem from the news lately.  I am sure that we have all been in a situation where someone may have entered the personal space bubble without realizing they didn’t have an invite.   

It could be the close talker at work.  Talks so close you can see their blackheads and that they have specks of green in the irises of their eyes. Sometimes it’s the person who, in tight quarters like on a bus, subway or sporting event, could give you a couple extra inches of bench to sit on, but chooses to sit closer to you and leave the space on the other side.  

While I have only heard of this, not being one to use a urinal, there’s the case of the guy who in a line of ten vacant urinals decides to use the one next to you.  This could also be applied to lockers in changing rooms or bathroom stalls, too. 

Another is when you wait in line at the grocery store or when waiting in line to order food.  They keeps nudging you with their cart or they are practically climbing your back, desperate to get closer to the front.

There is also the friend and/or coworker that doesn’t seem to have a sense of balance, who when walking seems to be pulled by an imaginary magnet on the other side of you.  You switch sides thinking they have an imbalance issue, but no, they keep bumping into you. 

Then there are the situations where it isn’t just the personal space that has been entered, it’s the matter in which it happens. At family events, where hugging and kissing might  be expected, there are still some unspoken rules, and the rules depend on the family.  For instance, I prefer to only kiss my husband on the lips, everyone else gets the cheek. But, there are two aunts who always go for the lips…my elegant dodging skills have been perfected.  

Even still, when families get together, they are made up of branches which include other families that are used to certain behaviors. Some like to hug, some like to shake hands and pat on the back, some fist bump, some just nod, and some kiss cheeks (and lips:-/).

Then there are friends.  Some friends are closer than family.  And again, depending on where they have come from and the norms for them, they may feel a hug and a kiss are totally appropriate. 

What do you do when there is a conflict?  What happens when you don’t feel comfortable with the interactions between you and another person?

I think a lot of the time, when I am in these situations, I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, so I won’t say “Jack, can you take a step back? I can smell what you had for dinner last night.”   In some cases, I think, it’s just me. Maybe I’m in a bitchy mood.  There is no need to bring someone else down because I am irritable.

Now, being older and maybe wiser, I think, “who am I helping if I don’t tell someone that I am uncomfortable?” I am helping no one. All I am doing is avoiding something uncomfortable. Yes, it might be uncool to hurt someone’s feelings if their intentions were good, but couldn’t you say something in a way that wouldn’t be hurtful.  I think so.  

I think there are a couple things we do in society that are so messed up and this is one of those things.  We don’t want to put people in check or let them know when they are toeing the line because we don’t want to offend them or have the spotlight put on ourselves, avoiding awkwardness at all costs.  But if you think about it, if we spoke up more often when things are still cordial, people wouldn’t feel as marginalized (offended) and others wouldn’t continue to habits that may be interpreted as in appropriate (offender). 

I am not saying that the noting of discomfort is all on the receiver and none on the giver.  It’s a two way street.  But, if for a person’s whole life, the vast majority of people were accepting of their hugs, then why would they think that it was wrong?  Yes, I am talking about Vice President Biden here. 

I don’t have all the facts.  However, I haven’t seen anywhere that Andrea Gonzalez Ramirez told him at the time that she didn’t want a hug or hand on her shoulders. If she did and he didn’t apologize, shame on him.  If she didn’t, well, I don’t think that was cool of her.  It just seems unfair to blast him on the news for it before confronting him personally.   Understandably, he was the Vice President of the United States and one might feel intimidated by his position of power.  Luckily we don’t live in totalitarian state.  It’s not as if a person would be thrown into prison if they were to tell the Vice President,  “thanks, but no thanks.”  

That lends itself to another question.  How do you tell someone, “thanks, but no thanks,” to the invasion of your personal space? How about “I appreciate your offer comfort and/or comfort level, but I need additional personal space.”  That seems too long.  

I would love to see SNL do a skit on this.  Not to make fun of the issue, but to bring out both sides in a light hearted way and open the door for discussion on how our society can be comfortable listening to the wants of people and respecting each other’s space without making people feel guilty for caring for their fellow human beings. 

I can see it now. A PSA commercial.  It would open with 3 seconds of each of the scenarios above, including Biden, and in the background the question “what do you do when someone invades your space?”  

A spokesperson steps forward and says, “Do you feel at a loss for words when someone gets a little too close? Do you want to ask them to leave, but don’t want to offend them or look like the bad guy?  If so, you are not alone.”  Two people on the same bus being squished by space invaders give each other sympathetic eyes. 

The spokesperson says, “luckily there is a way to let people know that you don’t want to hurt their feelings but you need need them to step off.  Won’t yoU Respect My Space, or WURMS,”  all said with a giant smile on their face.  

You see in each of the scenarios the offended say WURMS with a big happy smile on their face, the person next to them nods acknowledging their request saying “oh yeah, WURMS,” and giving space back, all with smiles.  

There would even be a shot of Biden saying “I barely got any WURMS today!” To finish, the speaker would say, “Save yourself from space invaders and use WURMS today!”

Okay, SNL would do a better job, but the point is valid.  We need to be more forth coming about when we are and are not comfortable.  We are so lucky that they environment for being heard has never been better. 

In the end, I don’t want the huggers to go away, to be scared.  Human contact is so important and the outrage brigade is making it seem like it’s wrong to show affection.  Have you ever been hugged by a stranger or someone you barely knew, especially when you were in bad place?  Moments like that make you feel like we are all in it together.  I definitely don’t want that to go away.