Giving Up: The Big Picture

The phrase “giving up” has multiple applications in my life right now.  Despite numerous reworks of my training to run a sub 21 minute 5K, I am in pain and I have hit a wall.  Also, even though I went through the painful process of getting my masters, while teaching full time and doing my part to raise two boys, I am not sure it’s the best career for us right now. I think I need a bigger lens.

Running

As of late I have been having a hell of a time running.  After my 40 mile run in the fall, I decided I wanted to work on speed, so I set a goal to run a sub 21 minute 5K, which would be hugely fast for me, faster than I have gone since my early 20’s. 

I set up a training plan. In addition to my speed work I was lifting and doing core work. When my body wanted to quit I would push through. That’s what’s worked in the past.  Push through the hurt and you come out on top on the other side.  That always works, right?

While I was getting closer to my goal time, it seemed like the progress was so small for how much I was putting into it.  Why was it taking so long and why was it so much harder?  After three months I felt stronger, but I wasn’t near my goal paces.  So I slowed down again, changed up my workouts and tried to set more realistic expectations for how long it would take me to attain my goal. Maybe I was being a little rash.  I have always been the type to go all out.

I’m not in high school anymore, though.  To go go from an 8 min mile to 6:45 min mile for three plus miles in the course of three months is significant. Not impossible, but difficult. The reality is that while my mind is convinced I can do it, my muscles don’t remember that speed from 20 years ago. I should cut myself some slack, but the problem is I can’t shake that I should be able to it.  

When I run on the treadmill (an unfortunate necessity this winter), I look at my paces and think I should be going faster.  Even on a recovery day, I think I’m not working hard enough.  When a more logical piece of me says to slow down, my inner regulator says, keep going faster because you need to at least be at a ____pace. No slacking!  Slack is for the weak. 

So here I am now, feeling broken and tired. I could get a coach or a nutritionist to help, or go see a trainer, but I don’t have that kind of $$ to fling around.  Am I feeling this way because I am getting older?  Is it because my thyroid is acting up (family history, so I’m keeping an eye out)? Is it because I am eating poorly?  I’m trying to stay upbeat, but like anything you pour your mind and body into and get little to nothing back, it sucks.

Giving up. I am going to let go of a time goal, or at least a time period for this goal, and just run for fun.  Because in the end, why even do it if you don’t like it?  Part of me sees this as giving up.  The same part of me that that pushed me to go further when maybe I should have held back. I could push it until I am injured.  I can take that pain.  But at the same time, I don’t want to be injured. That is time I definitely don’t want to lose. 

Teaching

I love teaching, but it’s not always sunshine and roses. It’s staying up until 1AM grading papers.  Spending time responding to emails instead of playing with my sons or helping them with their homework.  Sure there are the summers, but that’s when teachers take care of all the household stuff we couldn’t do during the school year (repairs, doctor’s apts) in addition to taking courses to stay certified and preparing for next year’s classes. 

Teaching presents an incredible challenge.  You have to be amazingly organized, able to plan for four months ahead and at the same time be able to change that schedule at the drop of a hat.  You have to be able to think on your toes and prepare for almost any imaginable outcome.  I love that kind of challenge!  I also love seeing the kids smiling when they “get it” or when they overcome an obstacle.  I love to see them come back from college and say how prepared they felt.  But, even with these great moments it was becoming more apparent as the years went by that I couldn’t be the mom and wife I wanted to be and the teacher I wanted to be at the same time. 

We decided to see what life would be like if I took a year off from teaching. It made a world of difference for us.  Not just for me- all of us are less stressed and happier.  

During the year I started to blog.  I have found blogging to be so rewarding for my mind and soul. That and learning the different platforms to publish and promote has been very fulfilling. It’s been like going back to school!  

The final decision was easy.  Giving up on teaching (for now) is the best thing for our family. I will miss teaching and may come back to it in the future, but this is best at this time. That and I am very excited about blogging and future endeavors!  

Giving up and guilt

I gave up on my running goal and my teaching career. These were very hard decisions.  As I was thinking about making these choices, thoughts of failure flooded my mind.  “What will people think?” snuck in there, too. 

What’s so bad about giving up? Sometimes things don’t go as planned.  The motivation is still there.  There is still the fire and excitement about reaching the goal.  Giving up on one thing to try another is being resilient, isn’t it? The hell with anyone who judges others for choosing another path.  

Giving up or recalculating?

I see giving up on something more like this: What is your ultimate goal?  If my ultimate goal is to enjoy running and be good at it, then “giving up” on a minor related goal really is just recalculating.  If my ultimate goal is to live a happy, healthy life where my family is also happy and healthy, well then “giving up” on teaching was a course adjustment.  I may come back to these minor goals, but in the grand scheme of things they are just drops of water in an ocean. It’s the end goal that matters.

I can say I am old enough and experienced enough to know that there is no glory in sitting on the sidelines and that taking a rest, a break or approaching a goal from another angle might take longer than originally expected, but it never takes as long as an injury does or the toll burnout does. The end goal is to continue to love running or on the path of whatever your ultimate goal might be.

The same thing could go for any aspect of life.  You could be a path that you know is wrong in your personal or work life.  You could stick with it, but in the back of your head you feel like you are reaching a breaking point.  Or, you could reassess and try a different approach.  You may not get that partnership  by the time you are 35, but your body, coworkers, friends and family might appreciate the person you are when you aren’t as driven, better. 

Why do we give ourselves so much grief sometimes?  Because we are competitive?  Because  we want to succeed?  Because sometime before we accomplished what we wanted through unrelenting hard work and tears?  For me, I think that has been the case. But here’s what else I know…success has many paths and the most well known is not always the one that will work for us.  It’s hard to remember that, especially when the path you are about to traverse is somewhat unfamiliar.