Psyching Out

Do you ever feel like you can’t get out of your head sometimes?  I do…too much.  When I look back at the times when I am the worst at this, it is usually when I have the most “time” in my life.  When things aren’t running at a frenetic pace, and I actually have time to reflect and feel,  I reflect and feel. As it relates to running I notice every little nuanced pain, breath, change in pace, etc.  It’s like when I am not teaching, mothering, crafting, cooking, running, swimming and thinking about another 1000 commitments, my brain becomes hyperaware.  When this happens, my runs and other aspects of my life suffer, or so it seems. 

I wonder why this is the case…but I think I know.  Most of my life I have been sleep deprived and over-extended.  The mass of activities to attend to forces me to schedule and prioritize.  I always get what I need to get done, done.  Although, usually at the expense of things that I want to do – like spending more time with my husband and boys, sleep, or just something that is good for my body and soul like a new workout, reading a book or completing a puzzle. 

When I am in this state, I get so frustrated about the lack of time I have.  But when I am not in this state and I reflect back, I am amazed at how much I accomplish.  I like that I can get a lot done, but I don’t like the person that I am when I am doing it.  I’d like to think that because I have so much to do, I have taught myself to compartmentalize, or at least semi-compartmentalize.  No matter the event or task I am on, my objective is to complete it.  Mission accomplished, move onto the next thing.  I wake up and get my run in at 4:30 AM, go to school to teach, get the boys off the bus, go to after school activities, grade, make dinner, grade/lesson plan, clean-up, sleep, repeat.  

Here’s the reason why I say semi-compartmentalize…no mater the task, I will complete it, but I am always processing one of my other tasks in the back of my head.  This is why I think running when you are over tasked can be so much easier.  You may be in the midst of a hard  workout, but you are still thinking about the test or presentation you are giving tomorrow or one of a thousand other things you don’t really have time to process normally. 

So, when I do have the time to reflect back and I’m not running around crazy like a chicken with its head cut off (BTW, does that really happen??) I can’t focus correctly. I get hyper focused.  I think about everything all at once. When it comes to running, I think about my breathing, I think about my stride, my pace, how much more time is left, etc.  To be honest, it is wearing me down! I almost want to bring myself back to my over-scheduled self so my runs are easier. I know that isn’t the answer.  What is?

Being over-scheduled is very common these days.  We are a bunch of tired, stressed-out, need a break peeps.  We go through the motions, getting done what needs to get done.  Breaking this cycle is hard.  For one, what I mentioned above.  We may not be happy, but stuff gets done.  It may not be everything we want to get done, but there’s lots of it and that has to be a good thing, right? For two, change sucks.  It doesn’t matter if your change was going from working an 80 hour week as a single parent and 5 kids in a 2 bedroom house to winning the lottery and having servants cater to your every need. Change is change.  It requires an adjustment and that is both mentally and physically taxing. 

I made a change.  It was a hard thing to do.  I felt like I was going to be letting people down, but logically I knew that it was a the right move.  Talking it over with my family and with their support, I decided to take a year off from teaching to focus on all of us.  Financially, it would be a little tight, but the family would gain a “present” parent, which I wasn’t so much before.  I was there, but always thinking about other things, my semi-compartmentalization.  Stuff gets done, but I’m not 100% present.

Psyching myself out.  I changed, which was hard, but I did it.  I’m a happier, “present” person, but hyper-aware. How do I get myself to a point where I am not so aware of my run? How can I continue to change so I am still accomplishing what I want but without sacrificing myself? 

So here’s my plan, (tell me what you think): 1. I will set a more concrete structure for the week, including self growth and family time. 2. I am going to distract myself when running when necessary (nothing is moving outside, it being winter and all, so nature distractions are at a minimum,) by listening to podcasts, music etc. and TV when on the treadmill  3.  I need to find people to run with.  I really miss running with other people, but I have found it hard to connect with other runners near where I live.  

Reasonable?  Sure.  How messed up is it that I want to add stress to my life to ease my runs???  Pretty crazy.  I see all this structure planning and I feel like it may be a recipe for more stress…gotta at least give it a try!