Pieces of Daniel

Alone

Daniel and Alice got back to his house at about 10:00 p.m.

“You didn’t eat anything at the wake,” Alice said. “Do you want me to make you something now?”

“No,” Daniel answered. “I just want to sit in my room.”

Daniel, followed by Alice, walked up the split-level stairs and down the hallway to Daniel’s room. He loosened his tie and took off his jacket, throwing it on a nearby chair. Alice placed her’s on top of Daniel’s, then sat next to him on the bed. She rubbed his back with one hand, taking his hand in her other.

Daniel had gone numb the moment he realized his Pawpaw was gone. He found out later his Uncle Job had bagged the deer he left Daniel to chase. On his way back to the cabin, he ran into Pawpaw and Uncle Ronan, telling them Daniel was on the hunt by himself. Uncle Job left to bring his deer back home in his truck. “A team player,” Uncle Ronan had said under his breath when he shared what had happened.

That was the reason Pawpaw was where he was when Daniel was crossing the stream. They, Pawpaw and Uncle Ronan, had gone out to find him and help him carry back his first buck.

That day at the wake, Daniel was going to have a chance at closure. Everyone in the family tried to help him understand it was an accident, that it wasn’t his fault. Well, almost everyone.

Aunt Leah sat next to him at the wake and told him how much Pawpaw loved him, and she knew it was an accident. Uncle Ronan said, “she’s right,” and gave him an understanding nod. Aunt Leah missed her father, but she also didn’t want to see her nephew hurt. Uncle Ronan understood grief runs on its own timetable.

When Aunt Leah and Uncle Ronan got up, Aunt Judy came over and sat next to Daniel. She asked, “Did he say anything about me before he passed?” Seeing the pain in her eyes, Daniel wanted to tell her, yes, but he didn’t want to lie. “He said ‘love.’” She didn’t seem pleased and got up, but Daniel figured it was better than saying, “No, he didn’t say anything about you.” Uncle Job leaned in and said, “If only you had a better shot on that buck, huh?” He took another sip of his whiskey and followed his wife.

Daniel knew he had that shot. He wasn’t going to play the blame game, though. In the end, he was the one who shot his grandfather.

“Is there anything I can do?” Alice asked Daniel.

Daniel was shocked out of his trance. “No,” he responded.

They sat in silence for what seemed like forever for Alice, but for Daniel, time was irrelevant.

Alice pulled his hand to her mouth and kissed it, then held it in her lap. Daniel starred.

She continued to softly rub his back. He starred.

“Daniel, I would do anything to make you feel better right now,” Alice said, trying to break his stare. “But, do you want me to go?” she asked.

“No,” he said, looking her in the eyes and grabbing both her hands. He was glad Alice was here, but he didn’t know what to tell her. He didn’t know what would help him feel better.

Alice was sixteen, and Daniel was her first and only boyfriend. He was sure she thought they would get married, saying and doing everything she probably felt a wife should do.

Taking her hands from Daniel’s grasp, Alice started to unbutton her blouse, one by one. When she finished, she pulled her blouse off her shoulders, keeping the sleeves on, but still revealing her perfectly plump breasts nearly bursting out of her white cotton bra. She reached out to grab Daniel’s hands once again, this time placing them on either side of each breast. “Do you want to see more?” she asked.

Daniel almost couldn’t process what was going on. He wanted to see more and touch more but now didn’t seem like the right time.

“I want to be here for you,” she said. “I want to comfort you…in any way I can.”

Oh shit, Daniel thought to himself. This is it. His eyes went wide, his heartbeat and breathing picked up. But then his mind caught up to his hormones. He couldn’t have their first time together be like this. She deserved better.

“Alice, stop,” Daniel said, pulling his hands away from her and grabbing her hands in his. “You know I care for you, right?” This can’t be happening. “This isn’t the right time,” he said.

A look of shock and disappointment washed over Alice’s face. “You don’t want to be with me?” she said, pulling her hands back to grab her blouse to button it again.

Daniel felt so awful. This isn’t what he wanted at all. “No, not at all, Alice. I do, I … .”

Knock, knock, knock.

Alice tucked in her blouse and moved further from Daniel to the far corner of the bed as he got up to answer the door. On the way out, he grabbed her hand and tried to kiss her cheek before she jerked away.

Who would be knocking on the door, he thought. Everyone the family knows is at the wake. As he got closer to the entry stairwell, he could see flashing red and blue lights dancing off the walls and ceiling. Troopers.

It wouldn’t be the first time someone from the barracks had come straight to the house to grab Daniel’s dad for one thing or another. Don’t they know Dad’s at Pawpaw’s funeral?

Daniel opened the door to see one of his dad’s best friends from the academy, Captain John Pierce. “Hi, Mr. Pierce, my dad’s still at the wake.” It suddenly hit Daniel that it was pretty late, “What time is it?” he asked Mr. Pierce.

“Daniel, can I come in?” Mr. Pierce asked.

They walked upstairs to the living room. Daniel caught a glimpse of the clock above the mantel. It was 11:32 a.m. Daniel could hear Alice joining them from the hallway as he walked to the switch plate to turn on the lights while Mr. Pierce said, “Evening Alice,” nodding toward her. He looked over to Daniel and said, “Please, take a seat, Daniel.”

Daniel turned to take a seat on the couch nearest to him when he realized neither Mr. Pierce nor Alice was moving to take a seat. They were just standing there. Alice had a painful look on her face. Not the look of rejection she had moments ago in the bedroom, but one of complete and utter sympathy. Mr. Pierce had taken off his hat. He was having trouble making eye contact with Daniel.

What’s going on? Why was Mr. Pierce here and what was the matter with Alice? Why weren’t his parents and sister back from the wake?

“Daniel, why don’t you take a seat?” Mr. Pierce suggested again.

“Why aren’t you sitting?” Daniel asked, feeling unsettled.

“I can sit,” Mr. Pierce said. He took a few steps to a chair adjacent to the couch and sat down. Daniel followed his lead.

“My Dad should be home any minute now from the wake,” Daniel said, looking at Mr. Pierce, then Alice. “They must have gotten caught up talking to someone,” he added. “Would you like something to drink while you wait?” Daniel asked as he sat up and started toward the kitchen.

“Daniel,” Mr. Pierce said, watching him jump off the couch to get something in the kitchen. “Daniel?”

“I’m going to grab a glass of water,” Daniel responded. Why aren’t my parents back? Why does Mr. Pierce keep saying my name? Why is Alice looking at me funny? She can’t be that upset.

Daniel walked back to the couch and sat down. Alice had her hands up near her face. Why?

“Da…,” Mr. Pierce started to say again, but Daniel cut him off.

“Did you watch the game today? I was hoping the Steelers were going to win, but I heard they lost. Did you see the game? Was it good?” Daniel asked. After being numb all day, he suddenly couldn’t stop talking.

Mr. Pierce reached out and grabbed Daniel by his arms and said, “Daniel….I need you to listen.” Mr. Pierce’s face got even more stoic. Troopers are known for their steely demeanor, especially when acting in the line of duty. Mr. Pierce was one of the steeliest. But, this must not have been a good day for him.

Alice went to Daniel’s side, her hands over her mouth.

“Daniel,” he started again, “there’s been an accident.”

This time Daniel didn’t try to stop Mr. Pierce.

“There was a deer on 64. They must have tried to avoid it and rolled down the embankment.”

“Are they okay? They must be at a hospital…which hospital are they at?” Daniel asked frantically. “We have to go there right now. April must be so scared.” Daniel grabbed Alice’s hand and jumped off the couch, pulling her with him.

“No, Daniel,” Mr. Pierce said, trying to keep it together as best he could.

“Are they at the station then?” Daniel asked.

“What happened…they think it was quick…,” Mr. Pierce paused to clear his throat, then continued, “they don’t think anyone suffered.”

“What are you saying?” Daniel asked. He knew…but he had to ask. He hoped he was wrong.

“I’m saying that your father, your mother,” Mr. Pierce paused again to clear his throat, “and your sister have passed.” Saying it out loud made it real for Mr. Pierce, too, who put his face in his hands and silently started to cry.

“This can’t be real,” Daniel said, shaking his head running his hands through his hair. He turned to Alice and asked, “Is this real?”

“Daniel,” Alice said, her eyes welling up, “it is real.” She reached out her arms to hug him.

Daniel stepped back from Alice. He couldn’t be touched right now. He couldn’t do anything right now. Daniel wanted to say “can you leave?” to Alice but used the last of his compassionate cognitive abilities to say, “you should go home, Alice.”

Mr. Pierce picked up his head and wiped his eyes. He looked at Alice and nodded to her as if to tell her he would take care of Daniel.

She walked back to the bedroom to grab her coat. She tried to give Daniel a hug on the way back, but Mr. Pierce waved her off.

“Bye Daniel,” she said, “let me know if you need anything. I’ll check in on you later.” She quietly closed the door behind her.

Every one of Daniel’s thoughts was like a raging scream. He would scream out loud, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. He sat staring at the floor. He had spent the whole day morning the death of his Pawpaw. He didn’t have anything left to morn his family.

“I can’t do this,” he quietly said out loud.

“No one could,” Mr. Pierce said. “But Daniel, we’re going to help. We’ll take care of everything.”

Mr. Pierce got up from the couch, pulled a handkerchief out to wipe his face and nose, then put it away. Still sniffing, he said, “Daniel, I need to know if you want someone here with you,” pausing then restating, “I need to know if you need someone here with you.”

Daniel thought for a second. He couldn’t think of anyone he wanted to be with outside of the people he could no longer be with. “I want to be alone. I’m too numb to do anything if that’s what you mean. I don’t need anyone here.”

“I’m going to leave to tell your aunts then. I’m sure they’ll want to help with arrangements, and I would expect they’ll be over tomorrow to check on you whether you want them to or not,” Mr. Pierce said. “Be good to them when they come. You’ve all lost a lot,” he continued. “I’ll come by tomorrow to check on you, too.”

Mr. Pierce turned to walk down the stairs, then paused, “Daniel, are you sure you don’t want to come with me to be with your aunts?”

“I’m sure, Mr. Pierce,” Daniel responded.

“You call headquarters if you’re feeling anything or if you need to talk to me. I’ll be here right away,” Mr. Pierce said.

Daniel couldn’t manage a smile, but he broke his gaze to turn to Mr. Pierce and nod in acknowledgment before looking back at the floor.

Mr. Pierce nodded back before he walked down the stairs and out the door. Daniel could hear the car door shut, the engine start, and Mr. Pierce pull away. He was alone.

Daniel continued to stare at the floor. The quiet was deafening. Daniel was thankful for the static created by the sum of many tiny noises…the hum of the refrigerator, the sound of the furnace blower, the tics of the clocks from throughout the house and his wrist, the wind through the branches outside. No longer needing to compete with singular noises like a tv, the radio, or someone talking, they took over his thoughts.

The sound of a train horn in the distance broke his trance. He stood up to look at the clock on the mantel. It was 1:47. When did Mr. Pierce leave?

The pause in his trance allowed thoughts he didn’t want to enter his consciousness to take over. He was alone….his parents were never coming back…April was gone forever…life was never going to be the same. Daniel didn’t know what to do, but he knew he didn’t want to keep thinking those thoughts. He went weak, falling to his knees and slumping to the side. He wondered if crying would help, but he couldn’t. He lay there, trying to concentrate on the static of the small noises.